Let It Happen & Let It Go

Sometimes I guess you got to let stuff go. In my world, everything is going up and down. I'm being pushed this direction and that direction. This person agrees with me and that person doesn't. This person person got their feelings hurt and this person is mad at you. It's enough to make your head spin. And, most things are clearer in hind sight then first sight. So it's best to just let things go. I'm just a nobody who can barely take care of him self, let alone protect him self. The thing I can say for myself is that my memory is long and I hardly ever forget a face. I might be the guy who is going to get in your face but my memory is long. And, I won't forget the kindness and the hate that was sent my way. And, if you should ever wonder our relationship. The way I treat you is a direct reflection of the way you have been and are treating me. If you give love, you'll get it. If you give hate, you'll get it.

The Wandering Mind

It’s no secret that I am a spacey person. At any given time and on any given day I’ll just escape into my daydreams and be gone for hours. Personally, I think everyone needs to daydream more often. But, I think you have to do it for the right reasons. My daydreaming went a childhood hobby to a bit of a bad habit. But, it’s a bad habit that helped me through a lot of hard times.

I’ve gone from homeless, to drugs, to crazy and to more struggle. And, I tell you there were tons of time that I needed to get away and I couldn’t get away. The only I could get away or have a moment to think was to just dream. Dream of all the places that I wanted to go to. Dreaming of the things I couldn’t do anymore. Dreaming about the kind of guy I wanted and the life I would have. 

Nowadays I find that I don’t daydream so much anymore. It’s not that my dreams have come true and it’s rainbows and sunshine everyday. Somedays I feel bad, I look at myself and my life then think how is all of this going to come together. What am I going to do with my life? Who is going to accept me with me being crazy and having such a sorted past? Anyway, some days are good too. Somedays I feel optimistic and even though I can’t see how it’s going to work I feel that it will. 

Beyond my daydreaming, sometimes I just zone out. And, I think it’s healthy. Sometimes daydreaming won’t help, I get tired and I am restless. Then everything just starts to blend together and not make sense anymore. Plus, I am most likely off the pill and everything is getting on my nerves. So zoning out is most likely the best thing that I could do. 

But, I am working on my crazy ways and my distracting habits. If anything I think that maybe the present was just not interesting before. There was nothing going in my life, there was nothing engaging in my everyday and off the internet. But, life is kind of interesting nowadays and I pray that it’s stays just this way for a little while. Then if things want to get better or whatever bring it on. 

Relationships in 2012

I'm a single guy and let's just say its a hard thing. The dating world is like walking through a field of landlines or eating a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get a nasty filled chocolate or you find the perfect chocolate. Then you get those chocolates that are just okay. Now okay is not a bad thing. Okay can be better than perfect. Okay men are the kind of men I meet and have in life. They are the kind of men that are practically perfect, they look good and in some cases even taste good. But, there is just one thing that stops it from being perfect, that stops it from being absolutely perfect and I hate that part. It's like watching a good movie and it stops right at the good part. That thing just keeps you hanging on and coming back because your just waiting for it to explode. But, it never does so I have a lot of what we in the hood used to call, "homie lover friends". It looks shameful and sometimes feels that way. But, it's the moments when it's real that make it all worthwhile. The times when I can read his words and feel everything that he wants to say, when I can look into his eyes and see what he feels. That's the miracle of human connections, sometimes they can't be defined by traditional standards especially under unusual circumstances. So as much as I might want a relationship I guess I can't complain. I'm happy that I know some really amazing people and can call them friends.

Song Of The Day

Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers - Refugee (w/ lyrics)

Song Of The Day

Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers - Refugee (w/ lyrics)

Shields

In hard times the best thing you can create is a shield. A lot of times we create a shield to protect us from physical harm but we don’t really do anything to protect ourselves internally. This most likely occurs because we get caught up in the madness of what’s going on. As human beings we are an impressionable people just like babies that hear bad words and stay saying them. In times of pain and sadness, we pick up a lot of things.

During my hard times I’ve picked up so many bad habits. I’ve become negative and closed off even more than I already was. Before I just kept to myself but I was still myself. What I mean by that is that I had so much personality and spirit. In a way I guess you could say that I was illuminated at that time or at least that’s the way I felt. Anyway, now I am even more moody, paranoid, bitchy and just some rare times I am cruel. 

Compared to about three years ago I used to be this positive person. At one point in time I used to have this thirst and passion for life. There was a time when I was so motivated and persistent. In a way I was totally un-phased by all the things that surrounded me. In a way, I could just accept life yet still live my life. Some how and some way I became intense person and that intensity ate me alive. 

The only real criticism I have about this phenomenon is why did the intensity rise until I actually got somewhere. In my mind’s eye, I am nobody. I’m just another black somebody trying to make my way in the world. And, even now when I am not really doing anything with my life. Why are the simple things so hard? So hard to the point that I find myself going backwards in my life instead of forward. Sometimes I just wonder how low do I have to go socially, physically and emotionally before I breakthrough. 

Despite all of that I believe there is a place and someone in this world for me. My negativity and sadness won’t get me far while I am here or anywhere else. I’ve got to find a way to keep going on, I need something in my life that makes it worth while, something to look forward too, something that is about me, something that helps keep me motivated even when the dark times do come and they will come. But, more importantly I have got to rearrange these walls and shields that I have built up around me. I’ve got to get back to the old me except knowing what I know now. 

What matters is what you can make real. I know that I have faults and I am imperfect. I’m most likely never going to be as good as some other people my age or younger. But, if I am my best self than I can be good at something and I will be able to make things real. That might not make sense to anybody right now. But, trust me when I say that it is highly relevant. 

Men With I-Phones

Workout Update

Well I ate hot dogs for dinner along with chips and tea. Not exactly diet food but I guess I am making small steps towards progress. Early this morning I managed a many workout here in my apartment.

Detox

Still Growing!

At a certain point you just got tired of complaining. You just kind of get to that point where you've been beat up so much that you just lay still. Hoping and praying that whatever is raping your life will stop. It's not that you don't care or you aren't hurt. You just want to get all the pain over with.

In my life every other day, week or month it's something else. Honestly, I hardly have anything to tell my friends that isn't negative because it's always something. Everyday it's always something. If anything I just wonder why. How could someone like me who is at home all the time cause, be the reason and have so much trouble.

I'm really just over it. I just can't afford to lose anymore even though I'm not playing any games. I'm just doing what I gotta do until I can do better. But, I swear I'm always being pulled right back in to trouble and im not trying to hurt anybody. I don't understand why trying to do good could make me do so bad. I guess the plan for my life is bigger than I imagined but God I just want to know when does it get real, not so personal, non dramatic and lots of fun.

Workout Update

I've fallen off the wagon. I'm eating whatever I want, whenever I want. As far as I can tell it's not some. Plus, I'm so occupied with nonsense. Now I want to try and get back on the ball. But, I want to do something that works. I want to get this weight loss thing over with. I want to get back on track. But, I'm not so sure how I am going to get in on this. Guess I'm going to have go gun ho.

Maybe I'll Feel Differently Later

If there is anything that I have to believe it’s that I have to stay true. These times and few days can not define my character. And, if anyone could judge me by them then they would only get half the story. Judging half of a person is just plain wrong. And, I am definitely not trying to bring up the past or any old characters but you can check my older posts for this but I wish good things on everyone even my worse enemies. 

Lately I have been depressed. But, thinking helps me feel a little better. Better because I get to check out of the present and be in my head for a while. I just kind of get to organize my thoughts. I’ve decided that I am going to try and let the disappointment of this move go. Although it’s hard and I am still feeling the pains of the move. Mail is late or lost, check isn’t here, can’t find my i-pod, car is still broke and I am here. But, that’s besides the point. 

Change happens all the time. I’m used to change and everything that has happened here is nothing new under the sun. This has been the majority of my life the last six to thirteen years. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. But, it hurts to have change just land on top of you. There was no preparing for the change I would come into. There is like two extremes at play in my life. Things changed so drastically yet they stayed the worse part of the same. 

My heart is broken and I’ve been strong for so long because God has been good.  I haven’t been happy for a long time, nothing good has happened to me in a long time and I have spent the majority of the last six years indoors. But, making progress in my life for the few short weeks before my move gave me so much courage and strength. Maybe because it just seemed like God was finally answering my prayers. That all the things that had been impressed upon me and put in my head were finally going to come together. 

If anything I feel like such a fool. Almost like me doing well was such a foolish idea. I’m a guy with depression and anxiety which makes me sensitive to environments. I want to do well but I doubt it’s going to happen. My Mom raised me to try and be the best. She told me everyday when I was a child, “When you see everybody doing one thing, you go the other way”. And, I have lived by that advice everyday of my life. Never knowing exactly when to use that advice but always considering it. 

Inside I know what I believe and at twenty-five I don’t think that my mind is going to change. Despite my condition, I know what is best for me. I know what I want and I know what I need. I’ve got problems with my emotions not my capacity for knowledge or love. Personally, I don’t think I want to go anywhere anymore, I don’t think I want a boyfriend, or a new job. I’m tried of having things land on but more importantly I am tired of dreaming. It’s not the last few days that have made me feel this way, it’s the last few years. I’m tired of the see saw of emotions so I just want to let it go. But, maybe I will feel differently later. 

Finding Love (In All The Wrong Places)

Finding a partner is not an easy task although the dynamics of finding someone is rather easy. Honestly, I could find a guy in a heartbeat and I could find a guy even faster if I was still in model shape and not so crazy. But, that’s a whole ‘nother story! But, the bottomline is fast is not going to get it but “right” is. Finding right is hard because I am picky. I’m twenty-five but I’ve been dating men of all ages since I was thirteen.

I’ve been every man. I’ve taken care of a guy, been taking cared of, taken on trips, introduced to hard drugs and all of that. So I can’t go backwards and in this day in age it’s so hard to meet a guy of any race who is kind, color blind, attractive, fun, spiritual, not stuck up, ambitious and adventurous yet likes to stay home too. But, more than ever it’s hard to find a guy who is serious. Not matter how much I like a guy or how good he is. If he is not serious and about action it’s nothing going to matter. 

Every time I find a guy that I like there is something.......usually just one thing that is so bad that we have to just call it off. Either he is too old, I am to young/crazy or he is too young in his mind because I don’t date young men. Anyway, he might live to far away, he might not be able to handle the way my life goes and in recent years the problem is that he might be HIV positive and I am not positive. These problems can be a big issue that won’t even get us through the first date.

If a guy is lucky enough to make it past my picky ways and does not have the killer flaw. Then he has to make it past my Mom and Aunt. My Aunt’s okay with me being gay and technically so is my Mom. I think that my Mom thinks that if I am going to be gay and not give her a grand baby then the guy she has to get to know better be damn good. When I was in my late teens to early twenties and my Mom was just getting comfortable with me being gay. We were sitting in her car and out of the blue she says, “You better bring him at least a doctor. Don’t bring home a bum”. You can kind of see why I’m selective.

My family finds it hard for me to go certain places or do certain things without worrying. So if they don’t like the guy I bring home or around. It could be bad because they will let me know. And, if he gets on my families nerves then they will most definitely let him know they that they don’t like him. And, I can’t have a man that is going to put further bad distance between me and them. 

If I had my way, I’d like to meet the man who wants to adopt children. Build our own home and own family. But, it’s not that easy! Meeting a successful man doesn’t mean he is not crazy. If he is crazy, does nothing to inspire me and makes my life worse than it’s not worth it. I’m bad and crazy enough on my own I don’t need any extra help with that. I’d rather be on my own and will most likely be on my own because I was drove crazy before.

All For The Good

Today was pretty uneventful! Nothing too special happened. I think were all starting to whine down after having such a big few days with the move. The move has been a nightmare. A nightmare from it’s conception all the way up til now. So I think were all just  reconfiguring, readjusting and trying to think about how were going to make this work. At the moment, were living like three different households in one. Which for all I know could be a blessing and a curse.

We all want more, we want change but we want to keep what we have. For example, I want more. I want a job that I can handle and can handle me. I want to excel in certain areas of my life. I could use a boyfriend, make better grades, lose weight and not be so crazy. And, at the same time I don’t want to lose what I have. I love the fact that I have a colorful online life. It’s a comfort and very eye opening experience for me. One day I believe I will see all of these great places and meet great people. 

But, I’ve got to be present to get to all of these wonderful places; to get to this wonderful future. I’ve got to have some kind of life and stability in my present to get to my future. Yet my past is holding me back in more ways than one. In more ways than I imagined. Scars from past mistakes I’ve made. Being a child and not knowing better. Bad relationships with friends and families. Misunderstandings. And, I know things might run smoothly but not necessarily the direction I want if I could just let go and let God. 

I’m not there yet but maybe one day I will be there. But, part of the reason why things have been so bad with me over the years is because I didn’t try to take the reigns of my life. I didn’t try to get things together. And, things just started landing on me. Everything just started burying me and I just lost it. And, I cant let that happen; I don’t want to lose my head again. So fighting for the future and the moment is what I do. I just want to be okay! I can’t afford to lose much more. 

And, I’d hate to think that losing my family, friends, personal comforts and everything I’ve known is going to be the cost of having a better life or just the life that I want. Yet I can’t lose my mind in the process. So thinking too much isn’t good. I’ll just have to take everything step by step and day by day. I don’t want to have it all but I do want the balance. You’ve got to take the bad with the good yet. Although it might not sound like there is a huge part of me that believes it’s going to all turn out for the good. 

Detox